Technology beats the human

Sitting at the computer...

Josh: "Was that a microphone?  Go back to the google search page.  Click on that microphone."
Me (clicks on microphone in the google search box)
Josh: (loud & clear): "Orthogonal"
Google searches the term "orthogonal."
Josh: "Stupid computers.  That's scary.  I'm going back to bed."

xo,
Ms. V

A glimpse into our daily life

Scene: Josh is getting up to start the day.  I'm lying in bed and being completely lazy.

Me: "I'm just lying here, feeling like a vegetable."

Josh: "What kind of vegetable?"

Me: "A kumquat" (as if it's obvious), then "Wait!  No!  That's a fruit.  Zucchini."

Josh: "Ok, we're good." - walks away, quickly comes back - "Wait.  Is a zucchini a vegetable?  I thought anything with seeds was a fruit.  Zucchini has seeds."

Me: "You're right.  Bleh.  I need a new vegetable.  Broccoli then!"

Josh: "OK, great - we're good."  - leaves to play video games.

This is why we get along.

xo, 

Ms. V

A fine plan, indeed

I went out with one of my good friends, LD, tonight.  Neither of us will be having children.  The following plan formed:

LD: "We'll be in the old folks' home together - taking care of each other."
Ms. V: "That's right!  We'll sit next to each other drinking our beers."
LD: "It's a great plan!  The one on Shelburne Bay is beautiful.  Let's plan to stay there."
Ms. V: "We can get rooms next to each other and knock messages through the walls, since our hands will be too arthritic to text."
LD: "On second thought... we could never afford Shelburne Bay."
Ms. V: "I'll have to work right up until I'm ready to be put in the home to be able to cover the cost.  I have decent benefits..."
LD: "I still can't afford it.  It's way too expensive."
Ms. V: "We'll get married!  My retirement benefits will cover you! It's perfect!"
LD: "DJ will be dead by then since he's older."
Ms. V: "I'm saving my 2nd marriage for you."
LD: "We need to pinky-swear on this."

:Pinky-swear:

Ms. V: "We could *totally* capitalize on this!  It'll fund our stay!  I can see the headline now... 'Couple marries after 50 years of friendship' - it would go on to describe our brief honeymoon on the lake and mention that we'll be making our home at the Shelburne Bay Assisted Living Facility.  A real American love-story."

:Pinky-swear again:

Folks, I found my 2nd spouse.  I couldn't ask for a better one.

xo,
Ms. V

What's that they say about apples not falling far?

My sister (EEV), my mother, and myself struggle with opening a bottle...

EEV (struggling with top)
Me: "Want me to try it with my giant man hands?"
EEV: "I think my hands are more manly than yours..."
Mom: "I've got the manliest hands of all of us!"
Me (struggling with top): "E! Do you have a set of pliers?!"
Mom: "Oh give it here..." - (Pops it off with ease) - "Now what was so hard about that?"
Me (in disbelief): "Jesus Christ..."

xo,
Ms. V

Pain relief

Work.  Planned Parenthood in Barre.  The fabulous Molly is my HCA...

I've got a massive knot in my right shoulder (as usual, thank-you stress & poor posture) and am massaging it against a door frame.

Me: "Hey Molly - want to inject some lidocaine into my shoulder?"
Molly: "Yeah!!  Wait.  No!  Wait.  What?  You do that?"

(No, I actually don't do that, but I had briefly considered it).

xo,
Ms. V

Life in the North Country and making your escape...

Winter will be upon us soon, a season I love but also a season that many people just don't understand.  On a recent trip to my grandmother's, my sister and I decided to dig through old photo albums.  We found one of our mother and her siblings standing on a rather large snowbank next to their ranch home.

Uncle: "Look at that.  That's the roof.  The snow was only 18 inches shy of the roof."
Gram: "That was the year we went to Florida."

The best part is that my grandparents' trip to Florida had nothing to do with the snow, it turned out.  My grandfather apparently made a bet with a friend that he & my grandmother could be in Florida by the next day.  They were.

Happy autumn-almost-winter!

xo,
Ms. V

No longer a non-cooking woman living alone...

While I essentially remain a "non-cooking" woman, I am no longer single and haven't been for a while now.  By chance, I've made it a habit to date men who love to cook.  This has worked out well for me.  This especially works out well when we decide to get wild and crazy and move in together.  My cousin Chris realizes the significance...

A discussion over "cousin catch-up dinner" last week:

Ms. V: "So... I have news..."
Chris: "You're pregnant."
Ms. V: "Ha!!!  NO!"
Chris: "He's moving in."
Ms. V: " Yep!"
Chris: "Good.  Maybe now you'll have some damn food in your fridge."

xo,
Ms. V